What if having a relationship with ourselves has nothing to do with ego but everything to do with the life force concealed within our natural reactions that is seeking to come into this world through a mitzvah, a prayer, an act of chesed, or by learning Torah?
What if we got to know the external concealments well enough so that we recognize our patterns? Would that be enough or do we need something more, that something more being love and awe for Hashem and emunah? And if it is that we would need something more, namely love and awe for Hashem and emunah, how do we acquire these emotions and this power of faith when we seemingly are so otherwise identifying ourselves with externalities that are experienced internally? Do we see the confusion of mind that has resulted from the eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? Are we interested in breaking free from the magnetic pull of nature and ego and of feeling ourselves?
A relationship with ourselves means that we have a relationship with Hashem, that we know He is doing everything and that He loves us and that He is sustaining us as well as everything in the world and orchestrating our life’s experiences. Embedded in that we see our relationship with Hashem – He is doing everything, He loves us, He is the only Being that is alive, He is the Source of our life, He is concealed so that we may have real free will. And this gives us a frame of reference for relationships with other people, for they are more clearly framed within our relationship with Hashem.
Facing the dark places we all go to means that comprehend how Hashem has designed our bodies and our souls. Feeling empowered instead of despairing when we are in the dark means that we see the opportunity to weave life force stuck concealed in the darkness into a mitzvah and thereby give it a revealed expression.
During elul I worked very hard to see that much of the emotional pain I experience naturally is due to impressions made upon my young mind when I was forming. These impressions echo and project and realizing it is not enough to make it stop. Davening, beseeching Hashem and crying give us connection with Hashem through our true essence and slowly we are able to push to an external internality the echoing. Why is that important? Hashem is concealed there but He agrees to be imprisoned there, awaiting us, the chooser, to open the door and re-garment that concealed light as a mitzvah, a chesed, a prayer, or focus on learning Torah. Although He can do miracles….that is go above nature…He agrees to be bound by nature so that there is a world and so that we have real free will. The good news that all we have to do is will to go above our natural reactions, recognizing that these are there only to be nullified, and move forward with mitzvahs so that we may weave out of our lives an eternal life.
Each time we rise above our nature, we redeem something of our own soul AND a drop of kedusha given to nature to which we otherwise would remain attracted and bonded. By re-channeling, we also bring a portion of something from nature itself – earth, wind, water, and fire – to rectification. And from that, new light that had been concealed can flow into the world.
May we realize that by forgiving everyone, including ourselves, we bring something from within us into the world along with something from nature into the world, and that positive influence is available for Hashem to use to forgive us and to give us a sweet new year, may it be a year of redemption and salvation where we are all able to experience a light that helps us build a relationship with ourselves that is spiritually strong and a mishkan for Hashem.