A Cheshbon Sheet as we approach Elul


Experience the lack/pain/fire  (This is an encounter with Elokim. Hashem is doing everything. He only does good. I am receiving interpretations that belong to nature. My nefesh Elokis is pure and cannot be damaged. But that is not how it feels.)

Describe it Write down the message, hold it and then look at the force within it only. We will see that the presenting message is a false interpretation and is NOT the subconscious mechanism where the light is concealed.

 Ratz / Run to H-Shem. Go to the place where we realize we are “nothing”, that Hashem is doing everything and we are mere emanations, helpless and without control, yet capable of serving Him to bring goodness into the world, independent of human nature.

Love Hashem. (Have compassion on the FORCE in the message.) Recognize we are having an encounter with Hashem and that He loves us and we return that love.

Zoom in on the force with concentration and compassion, looking at the force and not the message with the mind’s eye. Face the challenge presenting from the subconscious (It is my will to go above natural will.)

Hear the pattern and thoughts. Describe each to Hashem with confession and teshuva as needed. What is in it? Feel it, describe it to Hashem, and tell Him we want to do mitzvahs with it instead of feeling the way we do..  

Have compassion on the force trapped in each part of it. . By feeling and describing in hisbodidus in Hashem’s presence, we purge the false message that we identify in it without actually thinking it. and the loving,concealed light is able to flow out of the vessel of the false message

Gather all the force and tell Hashem  “I wish to return all this force to You, it fell and I want to invest it in Torah / Avoda / Chesed” A vessel without a life source dissolves

Ask for help The place where that false message occupied in our hearts is now emptied by Hashem and poised to receive back  that same pure light redeemed for us to flow into a mitzvah. With love in our hearts, we move forward to do the mitzvah, confident in the soul Hashem designs to function

Make a bracha that the light should be a merit a healing, a refuah, a cancellation of gezeira, a satisfaction of din for the soul as it exists in ourselves, our families, klal yisrael and the world

 Go do a mitzvah, read tehillim, learn Torah or a chesed

 Trust that the force has been returned to its Source

 Feel the inner shift, and Experience H-shem’s Light in the form of inner calm or more.

 Receive insights that may now come to light.


Our thinking, when it bounces back and forth between darkness and emptiness, lack/loss and unfulfilled sense of value/ego/arrogance is literally inner chaos.   We all know what our hearts feel like in these moments.  Anxiety, fear, anger, shaking, crying, and more.  We feel the chaos.  Our intellect is very sensitive to our natural condition of feeling ourselves.   What is the pattern that we are experiencing?

Just like when we drive, we know we will have to stop for red lights, go on green lights, stop at stop signs and more, the journey of life means that we will have challenges and experience patterns.  Our intellect is born from our experiences in a natural world and those experiences are stored in our brain and our hearts. Remember that the thought or memory is the vessel and it is filled only by Elokim, Hashem’s compassion concealed.  Facing our challenges  means that we are seeking to absorb Infinite Light for mitzvahs and Torah, and that Hashem has designed our soul with the mission to do so even though for us it is a “black box.”  Hashem will shift the light when we love Him, realize the place from which we are calling and our role, will it, and bring a mitzvah forward with intention to channel that light into the world. This is the overall plan Torah teaches us for handling our “red lights.”  We are not the chaos or the natural painful messages…those are the red lights.  We are our emunah and effort to re-channel the presenting Infinite Light concealed in the vessels of our red lights.  We are a one body and soul combination…when we move away from feeling with self-interest and move towards realizing Hashem’s purpose in placing our soul in chaos, we have the emunah to serve as that channel and experience the unity within us and between us. Being “nothing” is better than something for this reason.

How do we sincerely move from subjectivity to the objective truth of Hashem’s love and His doing everything?  We love Him and we will to go above our natural will. 

Please hear that the fundamental shift to adjust our experience of a challenge is

 to love Hashem and

will to go above our natural will (intentionally nullify our thinking and create an opening for something new to come in)

realize we are put in chaos to pray and bring Infinite Light from the vessel of a thought or emotion

and to do mitzvahs with intention of bringing that new light into the world

This is mesiras nefesh and is the quality imbued in each one of us.

The nefesh elokis designed by Hashem is ready willing and able to draw the concealed light in our hearts into this world when we have compassion on Hashem – the life force within us ,the Shechina – and submit our interpretations. 

We will it and make room for it. 

He does it.

Through our nefesh  elokis, Infinite light in the darkness can come into this world as a new revealed light that changes this world, that repairs this world by revealing Hashem’s compassion when we do Torah learning, pray, act of kindness or mitzvahs.

Final  review

According to nature, we have a subjective experience and we have learned by experience that it is destructive or self-destructive, addictive, powerful, or blocking real simcha.  We want to not want it. It feels cynical, or animalistic, and even if it temporarily gives us a moment of feeling happy with ourselves, we also know it is not simcha as Hashem desires for us to have simcha.  The simcha He desires for us is the simcha of feeling one with His compassionate Presence, not separate. He wants us to be independent of nature so that we may perform His Will within nature which brings Infinite Light into the world with ramifications that are beyond our ability to grasp. This is why we need to utilize the vessel of emunah.

The piece of Torah that will give us the faith and trust that something new and simchadik and emesdik can come into our hearts is – Believe that everyone is built with a design to do this, even if we don’t understand.  Believing in Hashem and in His design of our soul IS the piece of Torah that helps us love each other based on that reason alone and without any other condition. This is unity.

Trust that we have challenges  because Infinite Light is simply more than our intellect can hold.

We need emunah – more and more emunah.

 With faith, and love for Hashem,  tell Hashem it is your will to re-garment the force in a challenge so that Infinite Light may come into the world.  We are all united in being able to choose this.  We are given free will.  Love each other even if a different choice is made.  We are one because of this construct and have confidence in each other because He is the designer of all of us.  We are truly brothers and sisters.  Have faith in Hashem and the soul of the Jewish People that He designs . 

“With all our hearts Hashem , we will to go above our will and we pray that the forces within our nature come into this world as the soul of our davening because we want You Hashem in our hearts, revealed in this world. “

Torah teaches us that Hashem has created the solution to our struggles within the love with which He fills the nefesh elokis, a healing love that HE activates when we submit our will and our interest in feeling ourselves.

We realize that He is doing everything and that He has placed us in these narrow straits for one purpose – so that we have compassion upon  Him, so that we love Him, we pray to Him, and sincerely yearn to channel all the force within into a mitzvah, learning Torah , praying, or doing  a chesed.

That is the natural means by which Infinite light comes into the world – from our raw unrefined first reactions to submission to humility and then to do a mitzvah or chesed.

Each one of us isi a unique emanation with unique gifts and talents from Hashem. Each one built with the design to draw Infinite Light from the darkness of imagination driven by natural pleasures into this world through having this expanded awareness of Hashem’s Torah and love.  Each one of us is on a repair mission that He does when we sincerely will it.  This is what unifies us, regardless of whether we ever heard it before, whether we do it, whether we fail when we try, whether we have never tried.

This is where we are all one exactly, and loving each other means we have faith in Hashem and in the soul He designs and puts in each of us

The force that blocks us from this awareness is Infinite light in our subconscious waiting to come into the world through the natural means of our prayer, Torah learning, chesed and mitzvahs..we re-garment the blocking force into His will and voila He is here in our hearts and  in nature and the world

We hold the mesiras nefesh card

Using it means we have faith in Hashem and His Soul He creates, the one soul

That is unity

We are each ready to take a hidden spark from a place of darkness and intentionally give it a new message as a prayer.

We are empowered with love and awe of Hashem and speech and free will to run and return sparks to Him, helping the Infinite Light flow into the world beyond our bodies and circumstances.

Let’s try.  Find a force inside that is garmented in a challenge and ask, what is the message hiding that force?   Stare in your mind’s eye only at the force and discard the message and pray, tell Hashem that this force we are putting into our tefillos and onto our elul sheets to work on so that it comes into the world as light, not animating that message we discard.  We may have to do hisbodidus over a period of time before we sincerely submit the vessel of the message. That is normal.  It takes time to see what is the vessel and what is the concealed light so that the light may be intentionally willed into a mitzvah. Hashem does the rest.  But struggle we must, mesiras nefesh, showing love for Hashem.

Now daven, and trust that the force – Infinite Light from our subconscious – is re-invested and has, indeed, come into the world.  That is emunah.

Hashem designs our nefesh elokis to do that, to draw out that infinite light and give it into the mitzvah or prayer we perform.

Let’s daven to Hashem and do teshuva and make a plan for 5780 to continue this work. And may the sparks we emit tip the scales for a new light to be revealed.

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