What if we properly understood our natural thinking as the gold mine of kedusha given to us to extract and re-unify with Hashem’s compassion? Would we muster every ounce of our strength to do so?
What if we properly understood that our resistance to mustering every ounce of our strength to do so is merely a “reward” from the natural thinking for NOT doing so – and thereby keeping our nefesh elokis available to nourish the natural world according to unrectified nature rather than to nourish the spiritual realms which then rectify nature?
The Vilna Gaon tells us that we came to this world to rectify our unrectified characteristics and if not for this effort, why do we need to be in this world?
How could it be that we came here to break our unrectified nature without it being the very best for us? Is this not what the natural thinking tells us – that if we break our nature, it will hurt us, it will not be good for us, it is unhealthy?
In Berachos 5b, there are several stories of great Rabbis who healed others. How? They asked the person who was ill – do you want the suffering? The patient responds, I want neither the suffering nor the reward.
The suffering is our condition of self-interest. The reward is the natural messages that reinforce our self-interest, such as you are right, you need to be in control, you have to protect yourself from damage, it isn’t fair or just. These “rewards” when we investigate them tend to be saying that our view is the correct view and that what is happening is not full of love.
This is our natural view.
See how it cycles between despair (something is lacking that I need or desire) and arrogance (I am good and right and I know better, I know what love is, and it is not this!) Feel how these two kelipas cycle between each other and build a charge that keeps our thinking distressed and keeps us in those distressing thoughts. Our soul is in those thoughts, which are feeding the kelipas, as you can see.
Yet there is also a center and a hollow to the whirling, and that is where our intellectual understanding as the opportunity to “run.” Ratzon and ratza are the same word – run and will. When we are willing to admit the very painful confession that we are in a place of self-image based on messages from the Soton that it is projecting through us, we begin to see how to “get out” of the storm. RUN! WILL to not want it.
Let’s take a look at why we do naturally want it. The messages our natural thinking develops comes from a very early time when we learned what love was from our families, teachers, friends and experiences. Our natural will develops and forms impressions, and our nefesh elokis animates it, albeit bound and gagged. Nevertheless, this thinking, even though we often feel distress, is familiar because it feels like the love we were in when our early environment formed our impressions. THIS LOVE IS THE KEDUSHA THAT WE ARE SENT HERE TO BE A CHANNEL TO RETURN TO ITS PRISTINE FORM. By breaking our nature, meaning the messages that conceal this nefesh elokis from a pure expression of comspasion, we merely are removing the self-image formed so that our true self, made in the image of Hashem, may re-garment this precious love and reflect it into this world.
Hashem designs our nefesh elokis to make this repair – to be a channel to bring this concealed compassion back to Him. We are not the ones doing it. What is our role?
Will. We recognize our thinking as being charged due to the despair and the gaiva that naturally conceal the nefesh elokis. We do not despair because of being in this low world! We thank Hashem for the breath and the opportunity to be a channel! And then we confess where we are, grabbing the opportunity of life to see ourselves as a baby in Hashem’s loving arms that is able, through love for Hashem, to bond with His Love. Hashem You surround everything. Hashem You fill everything. Hashem my will is to not want what I am thinking or feeling. I want neither the suffering nor the reward!! I want to be a channel for this kedusha to be returned to You! I want that I not be satisfied with the known pleasures of the natural thinking. I want to submit because I have the emunah to know the truth – that all there is in the world is You and You are all love. I want to submit because I trust that in so doing, the compassion that You send will enter my heart and I will have the privilege and greater pleasure of enclothing in acts of compassion that reveal You. Please help me pull back the despair and the arrogance that are generating pain and suffering even if they feel like pleasures to the natural thinking. I hear the false messages and these are they…..(articulate each one and feel the charge and the “reward”). I wish for the kedusha trapped there to be returned to You because I have love for Hashem and gratitude for life and do not want Hashem’s Shechina to wallow in the low place of self-image. It is painful for me to admit where I am but I do this because I know that in truth, I am a nefesh elokis that is a part of Hashem directly and that this self-image is only an opportunity available during a lifetime to walk past its tempting rewards towards You. This is my will.
The run, the will, is our effort.
The return, which Hashem does, is that the redeemed spark enters our heart and we are given the opportunity to re-garment it, to express it as compassion. This is how we form our eternal identity, as a being that remembers while alive that Hashem is doing everything and that He is One.
May the sparks we release return to the One Light and be a merit, a healing, a teshuva, a blessing, a cancellation of gezeiras, and a satisfaction of din for the soul as it exists in ourselves, our families, klal yisrael and the world. May we see the revelation of Hashem’s pure light in this world.