Hisbodidus brings us a sense of emunah and a clarity.
Let’s take a zoom in on what exactly happens when we talk to Hashem openly in His Presence.
When we speak to Hashem and tell Him what we are afraid of, what is worrying us, what we want, why are feeling like something is wrong, why we did what we did or said what we said, what we feel, what is triggering our anger or sadness, what has hurt our feelings, we are placing on an invisible canvas a picture of all the forces within us as we conceptualize their meaning. Through our conceptualizations, we speak and act with these forces yet we may be disconnecting ourselves rather than connecting ourselves to truth and peace.
Consider that the forces within us that we are conceptualizing and then speaking and acting from a distraction from our goal of truth and peace!
It is unhealthy to minimize or suppress these forces, for within these forces lies something very powerful indeed. Yet the drawing that we make, the conceptualizations, literally become vitalized by the forces of our soul, and this is not necessarily leading us to truth and peace.
Key here is to comprehend that whatever those circumstances are, we have exactly 0 power over them. That is correct. 0. There is no effort that we can make that is guaranteed to have a result. We may indeed make efforts that have likely been effective in such circumstances, such as driving carefully, studying for a test, taking medication, and more. In the end, success is up to Hashem. Putting our faith in conceptualizations then is obviously not a guarantee to success, regardless of our every day practice of planning and doing the best we can.
It is crucial to understand that the area that we have control over lies somewhere else, somewhere internal to us, somewhere that we call behira, our free will point. That is the place where we have 100% control, should we make the effort towards self-control. That behira point, that free will point, is in relationship with Hashem, with the degree we associate with Him, the feelings of love and awe that we hold for Him.
What do the forces we are feeling vitalize – conceptualizations that we have no control over, or prayerful effort to reveal Hashem’s love and kingship into the world?
Hisbodidus helps us to break down our pain into its component forces so that we may see how to enhance the ability of those forces to reach their true expression – to be unified with Hashem’s Name, to be unified within our soul, and to become the forces vitalizing speech and deeds that reveal Hashem’s love and kingship in the world.
This is a deeper understanding of what can be accomplished regarding our will when we do hisbodidus, engaging in a personal dialogue with Hashem.
The conceptualizations and the forces vitalizing them feel to us like the real
“me.” It feels like our will, like what we really want. Yet when we take them to dialogue with Hashem and speak them out, we can ask ourselves deeper questions about what we want until we see the slippery point we went over into the dark….jealousy, desire or honor are the three slippery points. Once we see this, we see the fingerprint of having eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, of the ingestion of forces that conceal Hashem’s love and kingship.
The forces within that are vitalizing our conceptualizations truly want to serve Hashem. When we spot the “scam”, we see our behira point. THAT is where we have 100 percent control. The question is, what will we do? We have real free will. Hashem does not force us to serve Him!! We can sit with our inner forces in pain holding our conceptualizations, OR we can verbally tell Hashem that we wish for those same forces to reveal His Love and Kingship. Should we do the former, our soul spills into the goals of destruction and nothingness. Yet if we comprehend that with a few words and a heart yearning to bring these forces under Hashem’s roof, into His Palace of love and kingship, we are capable of receiving heartfelt insights that bring us to conduct ourselves in a way that shines truth and peace, love and kingship.
What we really need to know is how patient Hashem is with us. He is on our side. If we are not ready to let go of our conceptualizations, He waits patiently. He may wait our entire lifetime and excuse us for not doing it due to the circumstances that might have been too painful. Yet our soul has to come back over and over again until we complete the mission, the mission being to bring the forces that focus on the conceptualizations that have to do with “me” from those conceptualizations back into the fold of Hashem’s love and kingship, revealing Hashem in this world.
It is up to each of us.
Do we feel offended? Disappointed? Let down? Isolated? Infringed upon? Ganged up on? Jealous? Hurt?
Have we made judgments about ourselves, others or Hashem?
Hisbodidus helps us to see what is happening without anyone else around who might blame or shame us. Hashem already knows everything so it is totally safe to describe everything in great detail. He put it there for us to find! He wants us to bring the forces from the conceptualizations back into full love and awe of Him.
To the degree we experience abuse, neglect, or trauma, the process of letting go of the conceptualizations of things being unjust, unfair, wrong, horrifying, etc is made harder. What that means is that we have more “force” at play to bring across. Nevertheless, we have the real free will to do the work.
When we talk to Hashem, we have access to His Torah and wisdom. With this wisdom, we can see how best to tolerate, control and appropriately express our true self, our true soul that wishes to do Hashem’s will.
Our feelings can be explored. Hashem does not judge us for our feelings – He gave us a soul that has concealments on it in order for us to find it and bring these forces from within the veils back to Him. So no need to judge ourselves or feel badly for how we feel. We have real free will to make an effort to choose love and awe of Hashem and bring our unified soul to reveal His love and kingship, unifying His Name.
It is up to us. The question is do we see how our relationship and behira points play such an important role? The choice is ours.
To highlight the importance of bringing forces within what conceals Hashem back to Him, please listen to Rabbi Arush on this teshuva