Between listening to shiurim, cleaning for Passover, hisbodidus, and reading, something regarding the commandments to love Hashem and to fear (have awe) of Hashem came into synchronization with the two lacks we actually have in our unconscious mind.
The two lacks in our unconscious mind are the lack of awareness of Hashem’s constant surrounding and ever-present love, and the real lack of our own value in terms of not ever being able to be Hashem Himself – we are made in His Image and can reveal Him, but our will can never be as Hashem’s will. When Hashem wants something, it comes into existence immediately. When we want something, with determination we pursue it but it is up to Hashem whether or not we attain it. This frustration in our limitation as a created being is the reason Chava thought to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The nachash, the serpent, told her if she eats from the tree, her will would be like Hashem’s and she could create. The inborn yearning that we have to be lovingkind like Hashem not withstanding, our natural jealousy for wanting to be more valuable than Hashem designed us to be leaves us with a constant yearning and in the pursuit of honor and glory.
The truth is that our highest emotions have the awareness that Hashem’s love is constantly present and that when we love Him and speak to Him, and we make our will His Will, we adopt a role of being with Him that connects us to eternal value.
Hashem is the only Being that is actually alive. He creates our consciousness and gives us the experience of life by maintaining a body for us to use for 120 years, may it be in good health. But the life force is His, not ours. We are responsible for it though, as well as responsible for our bodies. We are responsible to use every second and every ounce of our being in a way that attests to His Oneness and makes a Kiddush Hashem.
What are we permitted to have in terms of a “self?”
When we have awareness that Hashem is the value, then when we get disconnected from Hashem, we are thrown into the dark and into the grips of the competing images of the yetzer hara, our natural thinking that is self-conscious. When that happens, Hashem hides from us because He does not want our life force, our soul, to descend into the realms where the natural will absorb our holiness. Thus, it is up to us to muster a “self” to defend our life force from being thrown to the dogs, so to speak. This is much different from the more natural pursuits of honor that plague us from our self-conscious thoughts like, she said that to me? He did that to me?, and the anger or fear that results, along with the hatred and desires to defend ourselves on the terms set by the offending party.
Rather, we must use the light of Torah from all we have acquired in our awareness to face the truth, that our rationalizations for taking action in such case are the product of emotions that have forgotten that Hashem’s love surrounds us and that He is the only Value. It is inevitable that the emotions that we experience from our perceptions will have fallen from the highest emotional awareness of love for Hashem and awe of Hashem. That is what it means to be in a fallen world, to have a life in a body. And it is purposeful.
With emunah, we remember that He exists and that He is in control. We remember to believe in Hashem and trust in whatever is happening is somehow for the best…and what is that best? Amazingly, the spiritual energy that is shaking us to the core is in our hands to form a spiritual repair for our highest emotions that have fallen into this world – simply by confessing, describing in great detail, and telling Hashem that we wish for all the spiritual force we are feeling to be used to restore what fell into this body, into this world, with an awareness of His constant love and awe of how we have value by being connected to Him and doing His Will. We create positive influence and bring into that very space a light that reflects Hashem’ lovingkindness. That light brings the force of that lovingkindness into the world.
Once this mental preparation and spiritual repair of our highest emotions is more conscious, then we can assert ourselves, make a stand for the self.
“perhaps you don’t realize it but when you…..I felt so thrown into the dark. I know it is my own inner world but so I can correct myself, could you please not blame, shame, yell, insult….It is easy for me to feel that my value is erased, and I am trying to avoid that…please understand, I am sure it is me and not you, but could you help me out?”
No one has the right to say or do things that throw us into a place where we feel erased, even a little. We learn proper derech eretz, respect for others, because we know that everyone is made in the image of Hashem. It is not a nicety. It is a recognition that we are all in this inner battle to keep our life force connected to the highest emotions of lovingkindness and bringing value and meaning into the world. It is an unfair attack to suggest even in the slightest that someone might not have such a higher emotion. And this is the arena for self-defense that is formative of our self. It is not an egoistic demand or pursuit for glory. It is not fighting back for material gain. It is communicating a danger to our inner world being drawn deeply into the dark and a respectful and kind explanation of what we need in order to steer clear. Then we are guarding our souls, our higher souls, that desire connection and experience of love of Hashem and the attainment of true everlasting value.
Our chometz is the messages that we tell ourselves to justify the natural hurtful damaging retaliations that the yetzer hara life coach suggests are justified under the circumstances.
We clean this chometz by understanding properly our construct, understanding which thoughts are coming from which aspects of our thinking, shining with emunah the light of Torah on it and removing all the objections to doing so that our doubting cynical ego-boundaries recount to us as important and inviolate.
Here are some source materials from the Arizal and from the Nesivos Shalom on this topic. See www.beyondanydoubts.com link below.
May we all grow in our understanding of the created beings we are, what Hashem wants from us, and how to accomplish turning this temporary lifetime into eternal life and blessings while we are alive. And may a new light shine in the world that ends our suffering and brings the force of love and revelation of Hashem’s Oneness into sight.
The article above was written the day after listening to this shiur by Rabbi Doniel Katz