This blog is a place where I share the journey that I have been on all my adult life. If it helps anyone, I am glad.
I believe that not everyone needs to do the work that I have had to do, the depths that I have had to go to in order to restore regulation to my life. Thus, if what I write here is not understandable or if you understand these ideas without needing the sharing of how I got there, it only means that our journeys and missions are different, not that the reader is not doing enough.
Each of us is given a different package. I see the beautiful professional works and businesses of others that reflect many gifts and wholeness in body and soul. Not everyone has to heal on the level that I share. That said, if you do need that level of healing, perhaps this next piece will be helpful, I hope.
The more I cry out from my painful, confused mind for Hashem to help, the more I understand what I am doing and the more comfortable it becomes. Here is what it feels like when something triggers me and I get disconnected from remembering that Hashem only does good.
Imagine a water pipe coming into the house and from there to the kitchen sink. What happens if that water pipe freezes and cracks or leaks? There is no water in the sink obviously, but the water also ruins the ceiling and can flood and damage the house. All that potential, instead of reaching its proper destination, ends up not only wasted but damaging the house.
That is what it feels like when my clouded thinking begins and quickly fires up to worry or distress. I have learned to recognize enough of it to see that it is a thin veil, not my actual self. Even though for decades I listened carefully to the “good” advice that my natural inclination gives at that moment, all it is doing is taking the potential of my soul and diverting its strength into an imagination web causing me to cry about all the threats I feel to my honor and details of my life. It can intimidate me into thinking I won’t survive or won’t survive as I had envisioned, blaming others.
How important is it for me to worry about this? How important is it for me to listen and feel pain and stuck trying to figure out what to do when most of it is not in my control yet I feel I must take action?
ALL of this thinking has nothing really to do with survival. Survival is in the hands of Hashem alone.
The puzzle piece is, how does it help here on earth if I return all this potential koach to Hashem by remembering that all He does is good and that it is time to bring out from my heart my love for Him? How can that possibly be the answer? Isn’t that ignoring personal responsibility? Am I in denial? Am I suppressing my feelings and avoiding helping myself? All lovely messages from the natural “me” master inclination, designed for me to twist, turn and lose sleep, overeat, say or do damaging things and more, so that the koach of my soul goes to the sitras achra rather than to Hashem.
The koach that is swirling in the natural “me” master inclination deceptions IS the koach Hashem is waiting for me to send to Him so He can utilize that koach material to send the success…when we unify our soul in service to Him out of love and desire for connection, knowing He is the one who fixes us, then He has mercy on us.
We provide the raw material, namely we send the koach that was going towards the ground and below upwards to its Creator Hashem. With the love in our heart that sweetens the koach, we recognize the truth. And then He brings that positive influence into the world.
The truth is that all there is in the world is Hashem. He thinks all of this up JUST to give us the opportunity to call out to Him and “get the credit” for unifying our soul. Our lifetime has consciousness and free will but our life and all that happens is an utterance of Hashem. We are to make ourselves a better vessel for receiving a flow of koach that can reach into the world through our speech and deeds.
Our consciousness is given to us through our mind/heart combination. When we hug our hearts with Ahavas Hashem instead of leaking the koach all through our gut and out our mouth with hurtful deeds and speech, we truly serve Him.
No need to worry about survival. Love, being cared for, and protection have only one return address. Yes, there are ways to join forces to damage others, to build roadways, to develop communities, to govern. But success is up to Hashem alone. When we are determined and we are doing it for Hashem, He gives success. Yet we must stop three times a day to daven because going all in at a moment in time can disconnect us and being disconnected for too long can take us past remembering the truth, that He is the only thing that exists and lives, and then we make the mistake of overreaching and that can be damaging to ourselves or others.
Keeping Hashem in the picture, remembering to love Hashem in every moment, and fearing being disconnected for even one second are commandments for a reason – for our protection from getting too far into the grips of the natural “me” master inclination that can leak our koach and make a damaged mess.
There is a part of us that we perceive as “me” that is really external to the part of us that is the self. The self knows the Creator and senses His involvement with every breath. The other day I was driving and for some reason I stopped several feet before a crosswalk, unlike me, who usually drives into the crosswalk to peer to the left to see if I can turn right. But for some reason, I stopped that day. In a second, I saw a man who was walking on the edge of the crosswalk. Had I approached, I would not have hit him but it would have scared him. When I reflected on what made me stop so out of character for me, I got the experiential insight that Hashem really is Mashgiach, running everything. That moment is a moment I will never forget. I seek out that awareness every second of my day now, trading up to it over every lower rationalization or worry or fearful thought, peeling back the wind that would otherwise blow firey imagination through my system and instead crying out to Hashem to send all the koach to restore it to add my name to that place from which He can be experienced by us and from which we can reveal Him in this world. Daven for Klal Yisrael in that moment, that the entire community of the Jewish people should all be considered redeemable because of this teshuva.
May we find our way to reflecting Hashem into our every moment and may He soon be revealed in this world.